Dude. I was totally by my phone the whole time.

This has been on my back burner for a long time. But I have a bone to pick with the many people that order pizza from the Domino's at the U of M. From now on, any "you" I use will use refers to kids who live in the dorms, football players, leaders of student organizations, black people, asian people, and drunken douche bags that don't know how to order a pizza.

Let's start with the inciting incident for this late night rant. A man calls us up 20 minutes before close. I take his order........

-Thanks for choosing Domino's, this is Antone. Is this for carryout or delivery?
-Hi, I would like a large pizza with pepperoni.
-For carryout or delivery?
-Delivery.
-Okay, what's your address?
-Pioneer Hall.
-Alright, your address is 615 Fulton Street Southeast.
-Oh
-And is your phone number 555-555-5555?
-Yea.
-So you would like a large pepperoni, correct?
-Um. Hold on. (chatter with friends for a full minute) Uh, yea.
-Alright, would you like any cinnastix or coke with your meal?
-Hold on. (give it another 30 seconds or so) No dude, we're cool.
-Alright your total is $15.56, are you paying with cash or credit?
-Whoa! Why is it so much? Isn't it like $4.99?
-If you have a coupon.
-We have the daily card or whatever.
-Okay, well a large is $6.99 for a one topping.
-Dude, we got it for five bucks last time.
-A medium one topping is $4.99 after 10.
-Oh. One second (faster this time) We'll get a medium.
-Okay, pepperoni?
-Yea, well... Yea, that's cool
-Okay, total is $9.12, will you be paying with cash or credit?
-What? Why? I thought it's six bucks?
-Sorry, we have a $1.50 delivery charge and add tax. The delivery charge is not a tip for the driver.
-That's fucking gay.
-Yea, it's not in anyone's best interest at the store. I believe they use it for insurance costs.
-Hold on. (bitching about price in background) Okay.
-Are you paying with cash or credit?
-Credit
-Your card number please?
-Hold on. Okay, it's a Visa.
-The card number please?
-(Gives number)
-Alright, we should be calling you in twenty minutes. Make sure you are by the phone.
-Cool.
-Have a good night.

Lucky me, this turns out to be my delivery. So I call the guy. He doesn't answer the phone. I call about four times. Still doesn't answer. Gets to be 1am, we are officially closed. And since this is a common event, and we want to go home, I proclaim, "If he calls for his pizza, tough shit. We're closed." So of course, the other driver cashes in on the extra pizza, takes on bite, and the phone rings. It's 10 minutes after close. The other driver gets it and tells him his order was canceled. Sorry, but answer the phone next time. Guy calls back 2 minutes later and I answer.

-Thanks for choosing Domino's, I'm sorry but we're closed.
-I know, I just called.
-Oh yes, I'm sorry but your order had to be canceled.
-Yea, but I sat by the phone the whole time. No one called me.
-Your delivery was supposed to be mine, I called about four or five times.
-My phone didn't ring. I was in the lobby, no one came.
-We can't get into the dorms without getting a hold of you first, I told you I would call. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened with your phone.
-Well dude, no one called me.
-I promise you I did. I'm sorry. It's not in anyone's benefit to not be able to make a delivery. We don't get paid and our customer isn't happy.
-Okay. Are you going to charge my card still?
-Nope.
-How do I know that?
-Your card was charged, but we void the payment on all canceled orders.
-Okay. (very distraught at this point)
-Again, I apologize.
-Yea. (hangs up)

Now, I understand you may sympathize with this man. And that's just fine. It's kind of a bummer that he's retarded and not be responsible enough to answer a god damn phone when he orders a pizza. So let's just start going off in general now. You call us. You order your pizza as if you are completely unfamiliar with the process what-so-ever. You have no idea what you want when you make the call. Even when you have a god damn coupon, you can't decide what toppings you want on your one topping pizza before you call and then you have to take three minutes to decide on pepperoni. You don't speak audible enough for me to hear you. You jump in and start rambling about what you want and when and where after I ask for your fucking phone number. You answer the question "what's your card number" with "it's a visa" every single god damn shitting time. Learn to fucking listen. And this is just my gripes about taking an order on the phone. When I call you, about 60% of the time you answer on the first call. You say, "oh i'm sorry, i don't answer numbers i don't know," but you just order a pizza 20 minutes ago. I tell you I will be there in three minutes, and ask you very politely to meet me at the front door. You take seven and then give me a three cent tip after I delivered your pizza in seventeen fucking minutes and you got it for 6.97 when normally it would be 14 bucks. You just saved 7 dollars and the most you can ever afford to give me is two bucks. Fuck you. Seriously, fuuuuuuuck you. Tonight you order 24 pizzas that were delivered at 9:30 on the dot, just like you wanted. Your order total is 128, when at full price it would be 250 at least. You give me 10 bucks. Less than 10% on your discounted price. You order 35 pizzas on Friday. I was there right on time again, you give me less than 5%. Fuck you again. And I really don't get why because you play football it means you have every single fucking right to take up to 10 minutes to get your athletic ass down to the door to get your order of wings and cinnastix. You request that your wings be well done, and to put light cinnamon on your cinnastix, but you can't muster up more than rounding up to the next dollar on your half priced munchie snack. Again, fuck you.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are lots of great customers out there. And consistent average tippers. I welcome and love these people. I make decent money for an easy job. It's just how clueless and blatantly insensitive some of you mother fuckers are that will lead to me putting you into a coma with a baseball bat one of these days. Just in case you wanted to educate yourself, here's a breakdown of how you can tip me and feel good about yourself without being an ignorant cunt.

-1-2 pizzas at menu price. 2 bucks is average, 3 bucks is good, 4 bucks is great, 5 bucks is amazing.
-1-2 pizzas at half price. Throw in an extra buck, you just got an awesome deal.
-3-4 pizzas, throw in an extra buck.
-5-6. extra buck.
-Orders of 40-50 bucks. Shoot for 15%, 10% will be okay, 5% is a royal "fuck you" to the driver.
-100+ bucks. Please for the love of satan, at least 10%
-Anything higher than that, don't insult the drivers. We work hard to bring your 100 pizzas up to the door, after making, baking, and cutting them all. Show some fucking respect. We respected you enough to get them to your doorstep on time.

Oh, you don't have enough money to give a good tip? THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO ORDER PIZZA. Go buy a frozen one, it's just as good as Domino's. Or spend it on groceries so your family or your poor ass can spend your money just a little bit more wisely. That is never a good excuse not to tip. Never. Go pick it up, or go to Cub.

Line of the year by far though. This family has ALWAYS tipped a dollar. My co-worker, Aaron, has delivered to them for at least 5 years. The wife gives him a dollar recently, as per usual, "I'd tip you better, but, you know, the economy."
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• Posted by:1 01/27/09 02:55AM
• Category: Thinking, That's All

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